


To Believe

by small_blue_owl



Category: David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
Genre: Angst, Doubt, Drabble, Implied David/Steerforth, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Monologue, M/M, POV First Person, Sad, Unhealthy Relationships, almost, heavily implied but still, i have no idea how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:20:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28644342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/small_blue_owl/pseuds/small_blue_owl
Summary: There are some things that I refuse to think about.
Relationships: David Copperfield/James Steerforth
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	To Believe

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So I wrote the majority of this in the middle of the night and then edited it in the morning. It's the shortest thing I've written but I worked a lot on it; idk how that works. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

**~*~**

There are some things that I refuse to think about. Questions that open, or rather reveal, a chasm in my heart that I did not know I stood on the crumbling edge of.

The question is this: was it, perhaps, better that Steerforth died when he did?

His death damaged my heart irreparably, I still bear the scar to this day, but there was fate to blame for the hole that remains in my life. Had he lived, would he have gotten bored of me? Would his affections have ebbed away? 

Would he eventually have abandoned me?

The blame for that I would undoubtedly have lain at my own feet. I don’t believe I could have lived if I heard him speak the thoughts I stubbornly denied; that he was after novelty, not lasting love. Was I truly worth so little to him? We had never been equals in any sense, but I had never thought it would cause any harm.

I loved him with my entire being, my adoration as fixed and constant as the north star. His love for me felt as changeable and inconsistent as a flame; bright and wondrously warm and inviting, yet with the constant possibility of flickering and extinguishing completely. This trait, however, did not draw me away from him but rather towards him, desperate for the fire that burned there, wanting every bit of the warmth from it, fearing that his desires would move on and so desperate to keep the flames alive for another instant, even if there was nothing left for them to burn. In some far corner of my mind, I feared that I was not worth to him half or even a quarter of what he was worth to me. Yet he whispered such loving words in my ear that I believed he truly did love me with the same complete adoration with which I loved him.

I was terrified that I would be wrong and he would break my heart. I hated this fear and loved the delusion and so I stayed there and told myself it was true and reveled in it as long as it would last. It was easier to believe what I wished was true than accept the truth that I wished was not.

My heart is broken because he is gone, not because he left. I rail against fate and things over which I have no control as opposed to railing against myself for being inadequate and not enough to deserve his lasting affections.

I could not bear the thought that I was merely a passing fancy of his, so I refused to believe it. But once the novelty of my love wore off and the initial thrill was gone, would he have left me? Was I no better than any of his heated yet half-hearted fancies, fated to be left shattered in his wake?

I like to think that I was special to him. I like to believe that I am different from the others. But I have no reason to believe that I too would not be part of this pattern that defined him.

And yet I cling to the words that he said to me, the whispers, the praises, the kindness, the love. I want to believe.

Perhaps it is better the way that it is. This way, I can still believe that he would have loved me forever and, as he himself instructed me to do, always think of him at his best.

**~*~**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos and comments are much appreciated :)


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